That general mentality pretty much sums up the past few weeks for me. I am feeling extremely unmotivated. I have no problem thinking about what I need to get done, which I do almost constantly; I just can't bring myself to do any of it. What is this? Winter woes? A general sense of being overwhelmed? Thinking too much about what's next rather than what's now? I can't be sure. I just know that I can only get about 20 minutes worth of motivation out of myself before I just want to take a nap or veg on the couch or eat something.
I've been tired almost 24/7, which is nothing particularly new, it is just more profound than usual. Even if I get enough sleep I can't manage to keep a normal energy level throughout the day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah "You should work out!" some of you will say. I know all about that technique. And sure, I could probably use a regular workout schedule, but it is hard to get motivated to work out when you feel exhausted all the time. Plus, I am not an exceptionally inactive person- sure I don't run or lift weights- but I do a lot of walking on a daily basis, so I am not entirely convinced that inactivity is the crux of my problem.
I just feel generally...undone. Like every little thing I need to do (specifically and generally) is lingering over my head, incomplete. Certainly if I would just work on all these things they would get closer to completion...so why can't I work on them?
I think perhaps it is, at least in part, because of my dreaming. I have not been having the most relaxing, fluffy cloud kind of dreams lately. I've been having much more unpleasant dream sensations, including all out nightmares (having dozens of Jack the Rippers chopping at you with axes in a parking deck is quite terrifying). The most disturbing ones, however, typically center around someone important in my life (typically from my past) telling me something extremely important that I have to remember when I wake up and I just can't. For the life of me I can't remember what they are trying to tell me.
Maybe it is something I am trying desperately to tell myself, and I really just don't want to know. I am a generally happy person. I have had my dark moments in the past, as have we all, but I like to think I have learned from them at least one little thing: If you wait to be happy, you will spend your whole life waiting. Just be happy now. (I think there is a John Lennon quote that sums this up quite eloquently). Things are going to go to hell in a hand-basket. Oh it is going to happen- not a single one of us is immune to the sad and bad things that inevitably happen in life. But being sad or upset or depressed when those bad things aren't happening- when things are actually going pretty darn well- is just a waste of time and energy. Enjoy every little moment of life that is calm and quiet and gentle and not heart-wrenching.
Anyway, maybe whatever my inner-self wants to tell me is something my outer-self doesn't want to hear because I am way too busy being genuinely happy with my life. There is so much to be happy about! My friends, family, and boo, my "job" as a graduate student, my professors and all that I'm learning, having colleagues and getting to know other new friends in Columbia, and just having fun doing the little things I enjoy everyday, like spending time with my critters or watching a favorite TV show or drinking coffee. Oh sure, there are things to be unhappy about, but those things don't need to be listed- they aren't worth the time or energy. The good greatly outweighs the bad.
But I suppose I am still young enough (I know I'm plenty young...) to be missing something key and massively important, and whatever it is that I'm missing I'm just too stubborn to get. In the meantime, I am going to give myself a big fat boot in the butt, remind myself that laziness is a wicked, wicked thing, and remember that all I want to do in life is "a good job." When I get to the pearly gates or wherever it is I'm going (dinner with Ganesha maybe? I always thought he was a pretty groovy god type fellow), I just want the first person I see to pat me on the back and say "You did a good job." The specifics don't matter, and I don't really want to be "great" like all those folks in the history books. Good is good enough for me.
Well, this blog was probably tangential enough to whatever you were thinking to find here that I'll wrap it up now with a few photos ;)
This is the longest my hair has been in about 8-9 years, so I took a selfie to share. Plus that was a really good hair day!
On Wednesday Quynh and I Skyped and made cupcakes "together." She made something like 40 mini-cupcakes! I made strawberry ones with almond kisses on top.
Sunrise Rainbow on Valentine's Day
And there is the Sunrise itself
Have a wonderful week everyone! Don't worry, be happy!
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