Week 24 Never Give Up, Never Surrender

This may be showing my geeky, silly side quite a bit, but I think this is one of the best life mottoes anyone could have. It is the best advice anyone could give. Whenever you think of your dreams, this is what should follow: "Never give up; never surrender." I know it is perhaps not the most original advice, and is perhaps one of the most obvious tidbits anyone can give, but it is simple and true.

This is the life motto I've been living by for a while now, and I can honestly say it has worked better for me than any more complicated religious faith or detailed life philosophy. It works because it is easy to remember and it is actually easy to do, once you get the hang of it. It reminds you to breathe and keep going. If your dreams are real and realistic, they can happen if you just keep trying (I'm saying "realistic" not to be negative or shatter someone's dreams but to remind you to keep your head in the game- if your dream is to be president well...think about that realistically...maybe your dream should be to get into politics and see where it goes from there. If your dream is to be the next Stephen King, maybe your dream should be to finally finish that novel you've been working on...see where I'm going with this? I'd love to be the next Margaret Mead or Nancy Scheper-Hughes, but I think I'm gonna focus on getting my PhD first). If you choose to believe in God, whichever one or multiple that you prefer, I am sure he/she/they will help you out, but you are still the one that has to do the work. Doing that work requires dealing with failures and setbacks and never giving up.

And then it is funny, when things finally start to fall into place. You maintain a sense of fear; you are waiting for that next setback. You know it will come, it is only a matter of time. But you can't let the potential for failure stifle you, and sometimes it is more successful than any failure itself in holding you back. You cannot surrender to that fear. You cannot let it keep you from taking the risks necessary in making your dreams come true. Never surrender.

In November of 2011 I was having my doubts regarding my own dreams. I was doubting what I was going to do next, where I was going with my life, if my hopes and dreams were worthwhile or if they were just childhood remnants of idealism. I honestly was not sure. The year before I had applied to five programs for graduate school and had failed to get into a single one. I wasn't surprised by this (I knew the competition was intense) and decided to try again, but by November I was extremely anxious about reengaging with the process. Extremely is a understatement. I remember one night talking to Dominic and trying to decide if this was what I really wanted to do.

I think I was so anxious because I knew, deep down, that anthropology was absolutely positively what I wanted to do with my life but I knew it was also a very challenging path. I was terrified of not getting into school again, and I knew that going for my PhD without funding would be more stress on my debt level than I would be able to handle. So there was the additional fear that I would get in but would not be able to go because I would not get funding.

And then what? Try again the next year? Keep waiting, indefinitely? When do you know you should give up and do something different with your life?

And was I ready to make the sacrifices I would need to make in order to continue towards my dream? There would be many. I would have to move. I was (am) so lucky to have Dominic, who said he would be willing to move anywhere with me. He is important enough to me that if he had said he was staying in Virginia, well, I probably would have too. But the move would mean being away from my family and friends. It would mean I would not be there for them when they needed me and vice versa. I would have to indefinitely postpone a nice wedding and having children so that I could live in relative poverty to get my education. This would further mean watching many people my age get on with their adult life- getting career jobs, saving money, going on fancy vacations, buying houses, getting married, spending on nice clothes, food, and weekends, etc. etc.

But what was my alternative? At the time I was working part time, just barely making $17,000 a year (before taxes) and just paying bills, not really saving for anything. Already I had friends far surpassing this measly income and I was feeling pretty worthless. I knew I could try for something more lucrative...I could get a 9-5. I could get my own little cubicle and come home every night to a glass of wine and a good meal. I could save up for a nice wedding and then start having kids. I could go for that American dream with the house and the white picket fence and instead of feeling lesser than many of my peers, I could live like them.

Cue the panic attack. Sure I could strive for all that- but that kind of 9-5 was extremely depressing to me. During the two years between undergraduate and graduate school I had one of the worst jobs I have ever had, and I was extremely depressed with it. I dreaded it. I had to leave work early one day because I was sobbing; someone there had told me they hated me- that everyone hated me- and I should not be there. Really, I agreed with him. I should not have been there. But at least that job taught me something. It taught me that having a 9-5 that I hated would genuinely ruin my life, and I knew that that lifestyle was not worth it to me. I'd rather live in relative poverty than live everyday with dread, anger and fear of a job that felt empty and pointless.

I moved on from that job to another that was absolutely heaven in comparison, but it was still a dead-end; I had no solid future there. I really enjoyed it and I loved the people I met there, but I knew it was not a long term arrangement. I kept wondering, how long was it okay to work part time? How long was it okay to not work towards anything at all? How long should I take to decide? I think the answers to these types of questions depend entirely on the individual and that each of us is different in our life course and our comfort level with our life course. I don't regret either one of those jobs because I learned something from them, and they were absolutely what I needed at the time. But I was getting restless. I need to be making some sort of tangible progress towards something or I feel wasteful, twitchy, uncomfortable...

I decided, despite my almost crippling fear, that I would try again. I decided that if it didn't work out, then I would decide what to do next. Baby steps. But I learned from my initial attempt at getting into graduate school and the experience I had gained the first time around paid off. I had worked harder on my GREs, I had gained more experience, I had written better essays. I applied and I got in to 4 of the 5 places I applied to.

My work towards something better had paid off in spades. Not only did I get in, I was offered some form of funding from all four places. Two of them had a great deal- one was Kentucky, offering full funding for one year and then likely more after that, depending on my performance. The other was, of course, Missouri.

Another difficult decision to face. Kentucky was a lot closer to home, which was a huge plus. But Missouri offered guaranteed funding for five instead of one year. What if I went to Kentucky and then I had to pay for the next four years? This was a surprisingly difficult decision to make. I honestly didn't want to leave home- if I had been able to fulfill my dreams by staying in or close to Virginia I would have stayed. I love my home state and Kentucky was appealing to me because it was so much closer to home. Not to mention I had never once set foot in Missouri.

But I don't regret the choice I made for one second. Missouri ended up being the better choice not just because of the funding; I have a fantastic adviser here (not to say that at Kentucky I wouldn't have, but my research interest in Bangladesh is much better represented here), I absolutely love Columbia, and I am still making great friends here. Being relatively far away from home has been less challenging than I thought because Dominic and I have wonderful family and friends. We've already had tons of visitors, countless Skype dates, and hardly a week goes by where we don't get some form of good mail: a package, a letter, etc.

I'm going on and on about all this for two reasons. 1) The more I push past my fears and continue moving forward, the more I realize how fruitless fear is. Even if you fail, it is not the end of the world. This is an absolute truth. 2) I know some people who are struggling right now, like I was less than a year ago, and I want to show them, the best way I know how, that things can get better and sometimes the harder path really is the better one. You do have to make sacrifices- you absolutely positively do- but sometimes it is totally worth it.

So what inspired me to go on about this now? One of my biggest dreams is about to come true, and I so want other people to know this feeling. I want other people to work towards their dreams and then have that moment when suddenly that dream is a reality. It is such a wonderful feeling, and part of the reason it is so wonderful is because you worked so hard for it and you were so uncertain about it for all those years: people questioned you, people doubted you, you doubted yourself. And then suddenly there it is, right in front of you, and you can hardly believe it. I can hardly believe it. I literally woke up the other day and thought I had dreamed it. Sometimes I'm terrified that somehow it won't be true- that something will happen blah, blah, blah...but no. I shall not surrender to that fear.

Instead, I'm going to go to Bangladesh. There are not even words to explain how shocked and elated I was to find out that I got into the CLS program [I will go ahead and say this now, though I will probably say it later as well, but this blog is no way affiliated with, or representative of the CLS program- all opinions are mine and mine alone, etc. etc.]. I have actually applied to this program before and did not get in, and as a first year grad student I had expected that I would need to apply again next year or the next before actually being presented with the opportunity to go. I couldn't believe it when I opened that email. When I saw that "Congratulations"...Wow!

Going to Bangladesh is a dream come true for me. I have always wanted to see that part of the world. I can't believe that I am now presented with the opportunity to do so. Learning the language, experiencing the culture, living there for two months. I am so insanely excited!

In sum, this is what I want to say. I did work hard for this. I did experience failure and rejection to get where I am. And I am going to experience so much more. I am going to get turned down for grants and funding. I am going to get rejection letters on papers I write and proposals I submit. I absolutely am, just as I have before. There will be times where I struggle to find a job, where I can't quite get where I need to go, where I will need to make sacrifices. But I will keep moving forward, I will never give up, and I won't surrender to fear. And neither should you. We all have our down moments. We all have our moments of pessimism, of depression, of frustration. But don't let it cripple you. Accept that those moments are part of life and then get on with it. There are plenty of things standing in your way; don't let yourself be one of them. Plow through them. Be flexible. Bend as needed. Keep moving forward.

Okay well, enough of that I suppose. Let's do photos...

This is our new chair. Yes, we did find it on the side of the road. Still sits just as well ;)

Ripley enjoying a toy shipped all the way from Richmond!

Dominic started experimenting with the black and white option on my camera this week. He took a lot of really cool photos, I will ask if I can share them next time. This is just one of them.

Snow Round 2

Enjoy the rest of your weekend everyone. And remember- never give up, never surrender!

Week 23 Thunder Snow 2013

I think most of you are quite aware of the snow storm that hit a good chunk of the Midwest this week: Thunder Snow 2013. Our area was graced with about 9-11 inches (more or less depending on where you were). Most of you have probably heard my rant or particular story, either through Facebook or just my talking to ya, so I won't go into that in detail...except through pictures! I had my camera with me on Thursday during my 2 1/2 hour, inch-by-inch drive home so I was able to get quite a lot of photos. And of course I have been taking photos ever since. I will try to share some of the best ones here. I guess this post will be more of a photo journal sort of thing:

Campus 

From the top of the parking deck

Do I look cold here?

Time for the 2 1/2 hour, 3 mile drive home.

Lots of cars were abandoned...and rightly so.

Made it- but not gonna make it into our parking lot (especially as, in this picture, you can't even see that I'm taking a picture of the parking lot; the lot has since been cleared, but Granada hasn't- it is a lot of slush now)

Dominic, after a 3 1/2 hour walk home.

REAL icicles in his beard!

The rest of these were taken either Friday or Saturday

Shadows and the moon

I know these two are pretty similar, but I couldn't decide which one to post...so I posted both...

Saturday night we had a Lazer Tag night! We had a really great turn out and it was an absolute blast. We had enough people for a team of 5 and a team of 6. These pictures aren't great because of course I didn't think to take any until after we had run around the arcade for probably 2 hours or so and played our round of Lazer Tag, so these are all just after the adventure ended. I am totally looking forward to doing this again and was so glad so many people made it out! It was so much fun. Of course the one group picture I got is mostly everyone's back...

Just imagine it looks something more like this:

I am hoping I will have some exciting news to share this time next week- or some news one way or another, so fingers crossed that I hear something soon! We are also supposed to get some more snow Monday night into Tuesday...5-10 inches? It all seems pretty uncertain, so we will see how it goes...

Enjoy your last week of February 2013 everyone!

Week 22 Undone

I will admit...I was very tempted to skip blogging this week (and nearly did, but I still have one hour til Monday here in Missouri). I haven't missed a week (despite an inconsistency in the particular day of the week I post) since I started, 22 weeks ago. And ever since Friday I've been thinking about posting...I just haven't been able to drum up the gumption needed to actually do it.

That general mentality pretty much sums up the past few weeks for me. I am feeling extremely unmotivated. I have no problem thinking about what I need to get done, which I do almost constantly; I just can't bring myself to do any of it. What is this? Winter woes? A general sense of being overwhelmed? Thinking too much about what's next rather than what's now? I can't be sure. I just know that I can only get about 20 minutes worth of motivation out of myself before I just want to take a nap or veg on the couch or eat something.

I've been tired almost 24/7, which is nothing particularly new, it is just more profound than usual. Even if I get enough sleep I can't manage to keep a normal energy level throughout the day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah "You should work out!" some of you will say. I know all about that technique. And sure, I could probably use a regular workout schedule, but it is hard to get motivated to work out when you feel exhausted all the time. Plus, I am not an exceptionally inactive person- sure I don't run or lift weights- but I do a lot of walking on a daily basis, so I am not entirely convinced that inactivity is the crux of my problem.

I just feel generally...undone. Like every little thing I need to do (specifically and generally) is lingering over my head, incomplete. Certainly if I would just work on all these things they would get closer to completion...so why can't I work on them?

I think perhaps it is, at least in part, because of my dreaming. I have not been having the most relaxing, fluffy cloud kind of dreams lately. I've been having much more unpleasant dream sensations, including all out nightmares (having dozens of Jack the Rippers chopping at you with axes in a parking deck is quite terrifying). The most disturbing ones, however, typically center around someone important in my life (typically from my past) telling me something extremely important that I have to remember when I wake up and I just can't. For the life of me I can't remember what they are trying to tell me.

Maybe it is something I am trying desperately to tell myself, and I really just don't want to know. I am a generally happy person. I have had my dark moments in the past, as have we all, but I like to think I have learned from them at least one little thing: If you wait to be happy, you will spend your whole life waiting. Just be happy now. (I think there is a John Lennon quote that sums this up quite eloquently). Things are going to go to hell in a hand-basket.  Oh it is going to happen- not a single one of us is immune to the sad and bad things that inevitably happen in life. But being sad or upset or depressed when those bad things aren't happening- when things are actually going pretty darn well- is just a waste of time and energy. Enjoy every little moment of life that is calm and quiet and gentle and not heart-wrenching.

Anyway, maybe whatever my inner-self wants to tell me is something my outer-self doesn't want to hear because I am way too busy being genuinely happy with my life. There is so much to be happy about! My friends, family, and boo, my "job" as a graduate student,  my professors and all that I'm learning, having colleagues and getting to know other new friends in Columbia, and just having fun doing the little things I enjoy everyday, like spending time with my critters or watching a favorite TV show or drinking coffee. Oh sure, there are things to be unhappy about, but those things don't need to be listed- they aren't worth the time or energy. The good greatly outweighs the bad.

But I suppose I am still young enough (I know I'm plenty young...) to be missing something key and massively important, and whatever it is that I'm missing I'm just too stubborn to get. In the meantime, I am going to give myself a big fat boot in the butt, remind myself that laziness is a wicked, wicked thing, and remember that all I want to do in life is "a good job." When I get to the pearly gates or wherever it is I'm going (dinner with Ganesha maybe? I always thought he was a pretty groovy god type fellow), I just want the first person I see to pat me on the back and say "You did a good job." The specifics don't matter, and I don't really want to be "great" like all those folks in the history books. Good is good enough for me.

Well, this blog was probably tangential enough to whatever you were thinking to find here that I'll wrap it up now with a few photos ;)

This is the longest my hair has been in about 8-9 years, so I took a selfie to share. Plus that was a really good hair day!

On Wednesday Quynh and I Skyped and made cupcakes "together." She made something like 40 mini-cupcakes! I made strawberry ones with almond kisses on top.

Sunrise Rainbow on Valentine's Day

And there is the Sunrise itself

Have a wonderful week everyone! Don't worry, be happy!

Week 21 An Unexpected Journey

This weekend-or, rather, this past week- has been an interesting one, in a mild way. Things have not really gone as expected, in both "good" and "bad" ways, one could say. But that is the product of life and living and taking chances, however small. Unexpected things happen. I won't get into all the details, of course, but may as well give a brief summary of things this week that stand out in my mind...

Last Saturday Dominic and I went to see a movie for the first time since we moved (thanks to a gift card from Dominic's mom). The last movie we saw was Prometheus, during the summer. This time we saw The Hobbit. I really enjoyed it and those are just the kind of movies to go see in the theater: great visuals. It really made we want to reread the book- there was a ton that I had forgotten. I think my favorite part [minor spoiler] was when the dwarf king woke up and the first thing he asked was if Bilbo was okay. So cute! The casting was great- and who doesn't love Gandalf?

On Monday I lost my Eye of Horus pendant- I reached down to touch it like I tend to do throughout the day and it was gone. The chain was fine, the pendant just gone. I have had it for years and wear it constantly so I was very bummed to lose it. This is actually the second one that has been lost- my first one, which I also wore almost daily, I gave to Dominic to put on his dogtags while he was in the Navy. He left it in a drawer at a hotel we were staying at and it was stolen along with his tags. It is as if I can hold on to these for a certain amount of years and then they just move on to someone/somewhere else.

It was also early in the week when Dominic and I went to bed but couldn't sleep...every 30 seconds we could hear a beep. It sounds just like a smoke detector low on batteries. It is not coming from our apartment or from the hallway...we are pretty certain it is coming from our neighbor (it is loudest when you put your ear to the wall). And I say IS because it is STILL BEEPING. We sleep in the guest room now. That neighbor is seldom home but I've seen her around so I am not sure if she is just ignoring it or...? It isn't the easiest thing to ignore.

Dominic and I also spent some time with some new friends. I went to an unexpected Happy Hour with some people in the department and enjoyed listening and just getting out. I watched another excellent Indian movie- Sholay- a "curry" western. If you like westerns you would definitely like it, but it also had unique cultural aspects to it that made it different. I Skyped with Mom and Darrell for the first time. And just when I thought my streak of good mail was over, I got an unexpected letter and article from Dad. We had a guest lecturer, Dr. Wayne Brekhus, in my Ethnographic Methods course which I really enjoyed. He is a professor from the Sociology department who does ethnographic work. He wrote Peacocks, Chameleons, Centaurs. I always enjoy hearing people's ethnographic/field experiences. I painted my toenails RED for the first time, ever, and was surprised how much I liked it. The book club is actually REALLY helping me keep reading fiction, even more than I anticipated. It provides a friendly deadline.

Some other things are going on that will carry over into next week, but I will share that next time...

Last night I watched an EXCELLENT documentary. Perhaps one my of favorite documentaries to date. I definitely recommend it. It is called Craigslist Joe and you can watched it on Netflix.

My productivity level has been really low, despite staying busy in meetings and classes, but I KNOW I am going to get stuff done this week...

Oh also, my phone has been somewhat fickle lately, and I've noticed that it sometimes neglects to ring and just goes straight to voicemail. So if you call me and want a call back don't forget to leave a message! USUALLY it notifies me of a voicemail but not always, so if you call me and don't hear back from me in a decent amount of time, let me know. I've noticed this has happened a couple of times and I don't want people to think I'm ignoring them.

I haven't really taken any photos this week- or done anything that warrants taking photos- so I took this one during Ripley's bath tonight, just for you.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Week 20 Mocha the Fish

This week our elderly fishy finally went on to the fishy afterlife. That fishy had been through quite a lot and he lived quite the fishy life! Quynh and I "won" Mocha and his buddy Mochi at Mason Day in the Spring of our junior year of college (in actuality, it was toward the end of the day and they had a lot of fish left over, so they pretty much just gave them to us...). He, along with his "brother" then went home with me for the weekend and hung out at my mom's for a while. Then they lived with my dad while I finished up college-did they ever live with us at Mason? I honestly don't remember! Where is my mind. In 2010 they moved in with Dominic, Ripley, and I to the Masonic Lane house, where we lived for two years. Mochi got sick and died, along with an algae eater I got later, but Mocha hung in there. He survived cold winters and hot summers, a new dog and then a new cat. He survived the move all the way to Missouri. After almost four years he has gone up to another fishy journey! He was quite the goldfish.

Here is a photo of Mocha and Mochi the day we got them. Mocha is on the right, Mochi on the left:

Ah memories!

Well, I don't have a lot of other updates. It has been a surprisingly exhausting week considering it is only week two of the semester and I've been spending this afternoon recovering; I even ended up taking a two hour nap when I got home today which I almost NEVER do. I've been in class and then other meetings, working on another language school application for the summer, and just generally trying to keep up. Lots and lots to do. Now that I have a reasonable idea of how the semester is going to go I think I will be able to manage my time better, but I definitely won't have a ton of free time. I just need to increase my motivation and follow the golden rule: everything ALWAYS takes you longer than you think it will take you! If I can remember that maybe I can avoid late nights simply because something took me longer than I expected...

Also, it always helps me to get motivated when I do two things: 1) Remember the people who have supported me and helped me get where I am- those are the people I do not want to disappoint. 2) Look up motivation quotes. Like this one: "People who are unable to motivate themselves must be content with mediocrity, no matter how impressive their other talents." ~ Andrew Carnegie

And "Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal." ~ Pamela Vaull Starr

That's all I have for this week, readers. And you know, if there is anything in particular any of you would like me to write about, feel free to let me know! Some weeks I flounder a bit (like this one...no fishy pun intended), so I definitely wouldn't mind some feed back if you have any ;)

Have a great and motivated weekend everyone!

Week 19 Friday's Face

Spring Semester 2013 has officially begun here in Columbia. The exodus has been reversed, campus is full and thriving, the parking deck is packed, the restaurants and coffee shops busy. Pedestrians again have the run of downtown- you particularly have to look out for those undergrads (at least I have heard professors refer to those who do this as undergrads) who never look when crossing the street. 

Of course the beginning of the semester has not waited for me to announce it- the first week is already over. It is going to be a good, intense, learning-filled semester. I have a bit more going on this time around than I did last semester, and I suspect that every semester that comes around will be a little busier than the last. I don't mind being busy- in fact I typically like it- it is just a matter of getting back into the swing of things.

So this time around I am taking ethnographic methods- to learn and practice the methodology I will be using for the rest of my career (assuming I am successful at it!). I am delving into some archaeological theory to fill my archaeology course requirement and boost my general knowledge in the subfield to prepare for my MA exam. And I am in a seminar in psychological anthropology focusing on inequality and violence (though the first of that class hasn't been held yet- we start on Monday). I am also sitting in on an Indian cinema course Dr. Shenk is teaching which already seems like it is going to be a lot of fun. It includes going to movie screenings every Wednesday, and this week we watched Mother India- which was absolutely fantastic and mind-blowing. It is a fascinating cultural narrative that despite being three hours, really sucks you in. 

I also have some research projects I'm working on- a dowry transition literature review for Dr. Shenk and I am carrying over my TV show project. I hope to turn that into something I can present as a poster at the American Anthropological Association meetings in November. 

Blog posts will probably typically come on Fridays now- especially since I will be too busy watching awesome South Asian films Wednesday nights! Fridays are my favorite day of the week though- so what better day to post? 

This whole blog writing thing is interesting, and I am still not sure what to make of it. When you log on it shows you how many views each one of your posts has gotten. For whatever reason, my post last week was extremely unpopular- I only got about half the views I typically get. I guess my readership doesn't consist of very many pet-lovers...?

It is often hard for me to decide what to include here. There are all sorts of things floating around in my head, lots of things I want to share and discuss. In the past I have wanted to discuss friendship, the value in recognizing different perspectives, pet peeves, and the seemingly unconscious competitive nature of people in their twenties. Now that the semester has started back up I keep thinking about theory, philosophy, projects, and the value of research. But I struggle in deciding what and how much to share here. Perhaps this is largely due to the fact that this isn't a diary, and I am not altogether sure, even after 19 weeks of blogging, why people read what I write and what they expect to find here. 

DISCLAIMER: I am about to go on a bit of a rant, so just a brief warning before I do: what I say is simply my perspective, that has developed from my personal experiences. I have not always thought of things in this way, they morph as time goes by, and therefore they are likely different from yours. Just understand where they are coming from: a twenty-something year old girl just trying to figure out her philosophy and her life in whatever way she can. If you don't want to read my rant: skip to the photos! 

So, I think it is difficult for me to decide what to write here because I suspect that I am a slightly different person- I exhibit a slightly different face- around each person that I know. Dominic is reading the book The Recognitions by William Gaddis, and a few days after I brought up a discussion with him about how many of us act differently around different people, he read a quote to me from it, which was a quote in turn, from Guy de Maupassant: "I mask myself among masked people." 

Most of us do this to an extent. By exhibiting a different face, I do not necessarily mean that I act like a completely different person around different people- I do not think that I do, and I think there is a difference between being that sort of fake person, and the sort of person that, in some ways reflect the person you are with. I find that oftentimes I chose how to act based off of how the person I am with acts. Of course we all act differently around our lovers than we do our grandparents, differently around our professors than around our friends.

Let me try to articulate what I am thinking a little bit better. A good friend recently told me that she thinks that I often have a lot of things in my mind which I do not share. I thought about this for a while after she said it, and I realized that is is probably true. I often do not share what I am truly thinking- she knows this, and thus she often asks me directly how I feel or think about something. Dominic does the same thing. I cannot skirt a direct question, and so she (and he) often gets true answers out of me. However, many other people never ask me that- and thus, unless I am extremely comfortable with them, they will never know. Unless I know you very well, and trust that you will value or appreciate what I have to say- I will likely not tell you what it is that I am actually thinking in regards to what it is you are saying. There are only a handful of people in my life I feel I can state my opinion to directly with no fear of offending them.

I think the main reason I fail to say what I am thinking is that I am convinced that the person I am listening to or talking with will not like what I have to say, and I never like and always want to avoid hurting other people's feelings. I know all too well what it feels like to have have hurt feelings, and I prefer sparing other people of that whenever I can. 

However, anyone who truly knows me knows that I am a person who actually gets annoyed very easily (Amber character flaw #1- I am overly critical of myself, thus I cannot help, at times, but be overly critical of everyone else). If you are someone who I have in any way indicated to you when it is that you are annoying me or when I disagree with you- via either direct comment or tone of voice- then you are someone I value greatly because I trust you to accept me even when I am annoyed or in disagreement with you. 

Oh, the list of things people do that annoy and frustrate me- at times even making my blood boil, and yet I say nothing for fear of hurting feelings or creating conflict or misunderstanding. 

The things that truly bother me involve self-absorption and lack of empathy which you can see on a daily basis in the people you interact with and/or just by watching the news. People who talk constantly about themselves, every time you encounter them. People who participate in cliques and exclude others for no reason other than that they do not fit within the unstated yet predefined characteristics of the clique. People who genuinely think they are better than other people. People who value money and think, in some twisted world, it can lead to happiness. In fact this links to one of the things that annoys me more than absolutely anything else anyone can do- people who complain about something to someone else when they know that the other person has it worse off than they do. The genuine lack of empathy in our society-which I think plays into all these things- absolutely astounds me. Empathy is one of humankind's most valuable and unique traits- and yet so many of us forget that. Watch the news, talk to your friends...so many people today have absolutely no empathy for anyone else- or they have somehow forgotten their ability to feel empathy for others. Just a few more specific examples of many: a slim person who complains about being "fat" or eating too many calories to a person who struggles with their weight. People who complain about "not getting any" or being lonely to someone whose never really had "any" or has been alone for years. People who complain about being broke when they spend all sorts of money on clothes, partying, vacationing, etc. to someone who isn't sure, month by month, how they are going to pay the bills...

Okay, I know we all slip up and say things we shouldn't. I understand that and, like everyone else, am guilty of it too. We all say things we shouldn't, we all hurt other people's feelings, and sometimes we can all be stupid and selfish. But I am talking about people who do this habitually- I call them habitual-face-rubbers. Whether they know it or not, they come across as people who apparently enjoy rubbing their successes which still, "oh poor me," aren't quite good enough, in the faces of those who, despite their best efforts, are worse off. To these habitual-face-rubbers: you are short-sighted, lack perspective, fail to think before you speak, and whether it is true or not, you come across to other people as a complete ass. Sometimes people don't have what you have because it is harder for them, because they've been dealt different cards. Perhaps they have had to make sacrifices to better themselves or take care of their family, maybe they have pasts that have been more difficult, maybe they have more internal struggles than you do. But they are stronger people for it. Too bad you can't say the same.

Long story short, then, since I exhibit different faces around different people (this is something I have considered rectifying, but am not altogether certain it is something that needs to or can be rectified, perhaps I am just a person with many heads, as we all are, in some ways) it is difficult for me to decide which face to exhibit here. 

Another quote from one of Dominic's books- Seneca: Letters from a Stoic- which he read to me last night, sums up the person we should all strive to be, or at least I am going to strive to be: "Happy [is] the man who improves other people not merely when he is in their presence but even when he is in their thoughts..." (56). I have had people in my life- some of them who are no longer in it- who even when I think of them inspire me to be a better person. If I ever hope to be a person who exhibits a positive influence on others- when I am around and when I am not- perhaps I should more frequently tell people what it is that I am thinking. It is the only way to prove to myself that my thoughts harbor value, and perhaps it is a way to weed out any of those people who may not be worth engaging with in the first place.

So there you go, there is a glimpse of my "true" face.

Here is what everyone else is doing today (because I have to add pictures!!):

Both the boys took a nap after an early morning Home Depot shift- Dominic's head is covered up

Rips is just hanging out, being cute. 

Oh, and a picture of Dominic's Beatle hair cut- A direct birthday request from Yvonne (happy Birthday Yvonne!)!

This pic is a little dark, but Dominic and I both liked it.

Have a good weekend everyone- and for your own and everyone else's sake, practice a little extra empathy this week. I'm gonna work on it too. 

Week 18 The Best Friend You Will Ever Have

Happy Thursday everyone! I don't have a lot to write about this week- just getting ready for classes to start, doing a lot of reading, getting my thoughts and mind back in gear. Mothers and Others by Sarah Hrdy has turned out to be a really excellent read, and I recommend it to anyone interested in evolutionary anthropology. I also think it is a must read for expectant mothers (be warned, friends, if I find out you are expecting you are getting this book!). It isn't written as an educational manual for mothers at all, but I think it sheds light on humans, babies, and human relationships that could positively affect the way we raise our children. This is also the first anthropology book I've read with such an evolutionary focus and I have really, really enjoyed it. I'm always wondering why people act the way they do, and Hrdy provides an explanation- granted an incomplete one (will our understanding of humanity ever be complete?)- that makes sense. Dhalgren is amazing and I'm trying not to get obsessed with it like I do with some fiction (as in read it non-stop until it's finished). I'm still enjoying the website Goodreads and hopefully Morgan and I will be starting our own online book club on there soon! Tonight I am going to start reading Orlando by Virginia Woolf for one of the online book clubs I've joined. We are only reading a chapter a week so I think it will be manageable.

Since that is really all the updating I have to do, I have decided to make this post about someone very near and dear to me. I am going to write about my best friend- the one I see every day, the one I go on daily walks with, the one who is always beside herself to see me, the one who always lets me know exactly how she feels and who, in turn, lets me tell her exactly how I feel with absolutely no criticism or judgment, blatant or otherwise. She is never petty, never holds grudges, never offers unwelcome or unsolicited advice and doesn't let anything bother her for too long. She is extremely forgiving. I mean maybe she doesn't always understand exactly what I’m saying, but she always looks like she does.

Perhaps I should say man's best friend, as opposed to my best friend- because that is really what she represents; mankind's best animal friend, for thousands of years. Why yes, yes I am talking about a dog.

There is a wide range of reaction from those who do not understand the relationship between canines and humans when they see you walking your little dog, or taking pictures with her, or talking about her. They think, it’s just a dog. There are people who don’t understand “dog people” and think loving your pet is, well, silly. You can’t be friends with a dog- an animal. Dogs don’t care about you- they just want food!

Well, sure, dogs want food, don’t we all? But they are also amazing in their ability to give and receive love, to be there for you when you are sick or upset, to show emotion- happiness, sadness, playfulness, nervousness, anger.

Homo sapiens are great and all- I mean, who doesn't love a good chat with a friend? A hug after a long time not seeing someone? Laughing over a shared joke?- but sometimes that one on one time with your favorite furry friend is just what you need to make you feel better. When something is bothering you that you just can’t articulate- or you don’t have the energy to articulate- she is there with her puppy dog eyes. She’s willing to cuddle, to walk, to play, to snack….whatever you need. She won't let you be lonely.

Some people think dogs are selfish, but when you really spend time with a dog you begin to realize they are actually less selfish than most humans. They are almost always interested in what you are doing (food or no food!) and are willing to do whatever it is you are up for. Feel like sitting on the couch watching TV? Heck yeah, I can get into that. Want to romp around outside in the snow? Sure. Squeak the toy? Love doing that. I will also watch you getting ready for work, making dinner, and will check out what is in all those bags you brought home from the store…oooh a new scarf, I like it. Can I chew it?

Dogs are actually the ultimate empathetic creatures. They have evolved alongside humans for long enough to know- even if they don’t understand our words- how we feel. There are a ton of studies on this. It has even been said that dogs might be more empathetic than other humans. "Pets can be there for you in ways that people can't."

Many do not understand the wide range of benefits pets can bestow on their owners. Having pets is good for us! Not only can dogs detect illness- from cancer to seizures to a diabetic’s drop in blood sugar- our bodies can be physically healthier when we spend time with our pooches. Their presence can help lower our blood pressure and increase our chances of survival after a heart attack. Pets have also been proven to reduce stress, depression and loneliness, even for those living in retirement homes or those with AIDS. 

This article does a good job discussing the benefits pets have on our emotional well-being: “While we all know the power of talking about your problems with a good friend who’s also a good listener, recent research shows that spending time with a pet may be even better! Recent research shows that, when conducting a task that’s stressful, people actually experienced less stress when their pets were with them than when a supportive friend or even their spouse was present! (This may be partially due to the fact that pets don’t judge us; they just love us.)”

It is also really good for you to bring your dog to work! (Ask your boss first though) 

Of course, my reasons for why I love Ripley and enjoy spending time with her are not based in scientific proof that dogs feel empathy or that she might let me know when I’m sick. Just like people, pets have their own distinct personality, and I like hers.

Sure, she has her faults, just like any of us. She doesn't get along well with other dogs and she can be strangely neurotic at times. But her passion for walks and her facial expression when she jumps on me to get up in the morning makes up for it.

What’s better than having a happy, furry, excited alarm clock? It’s much easier to get up when you see that face every morning. Plus there is no snooze button on her. And it is always great to come home to squeals of delight. She is great with other people and loves being around them. She likes to dig holes and chase other critters. She loves watching TV. She likes to play fetch but she is particularly fond of squeaking her toy. And she absolutely adores playing with Mr. Kitty.

Sometimes she loses her temper. Every once in a while she will get in bad mood. She hates having her tail touched. She likes to look out the window. And look at her when she was a puppy!

My family dog growing up, Holly, also had a great personality- one of the best. She loved to play and hang out at the river. She could be super cranky when you tried to take something from her but she also loved to run and was a fantastic cuddle buddy. She never minded being held. She loved sweet tea and cigarettes and her favorite toys were always the fuzzy ones. She loved going for rides in the car and sitting on your homework.

Holly’s buddy Tybalt was an interesting little dog with a past that made him stressed out, but he loved my mom more than anything and always wanted to be near here. He liked to play by jumping at your hands and if you snarled at him he would snarl back. He liked sitting in your lap and he loved his girls- Holly and Ripley. He was a ladies' man!

Dominic and I had a dog, Zen, (now a happy boy named Tucker living with my aunt and uncle) who was the happiest fellow you would ever know. He loved running around the yard and breaking the fence to run through the neighborhood. He liked chewing on his bed and playing with Ripley. Passing out on the floor after a hard day of play was the best! He liked to play bite but was always gentle when he did it and he always just looked super happy.

They all have their own personalities, and if you find one that meshes well with yours, then you are in for an amazing friendship- they will be the best friend you have ever had, all day, every day, for as long as they are around. 

Mr. Kitty says "Excuse me...what about cats?"

Kitties are good for you, too ;)